Sorry. I will be... / Sue Cabello (Danny's Mom )Read >>
Sorry. I will be... / Sue Cabello (Danny's Mom )
I went and I walked for nearly an hour. I know now that my “Regrets” are just that. Mine. I do you a disservice when I think of your life as sad and unhappy. Yes, most likely there were those times. Because, everything in life is not sweet. But for the most part, even though I believe you were searching, you were happy and you were carefree. You laughed a lot. You loved me and your sister. You had lots of happy times and friends. I’ve written many things that were about our happy memories, but this morning I suppose watching that young man, lost and searching, made me feel sad, and made me long for you. But I believe you would be quite angry with me if I portrayed you as sad and lonely. You were NOT. I know you loved to do so many things. You had many talents. I will regret till the day I die that I did not hear you sing. Always we think there will be another time, another day. Danny, I remember well, how you talked about playing horse shoes with your friends, playing cards and winning, and playing and losing. But still I know you loved to play. You loved to watch football, you loved to smoke and drink and dace and pick the guitar. You loved going to concerts, swimming, being with friends, eating, laughing, driving. So many many things I remember now that you loved. So many happy memories you and I had together. So many fun filled days. We loved to sit in the morning and drink coffee together and watch the morning news. Discuss politics, and the world news. You had an opinion. You were stubborn, opinionated, and you could be set in your ways. You were strong, physically, and you had a strong determined will. You were the most loyal person I know. You didn’t go with the flow. I see my dad in you when I think of this. Always gave the person the benefit of the doubt, you didn’t go with the the popular optioning. Danny, you were a wonderful Man. And I am proud you are my Son. I will not wallow in self pity any more and I am sorry for my down cast thoughts. I know one of a persons biggest responsibilities is to be happy. I let that slip a few hours. I will be strong, I will be happy, and I will be with you again some day. I love you Danny. Your Mom.
regrets/ Sue Cabello (Mom)
I just watched a movie called into the wild. I thought of you all through the movie. This young man searching. Searching for what? For himself? For his place? I cry now because of my feelings of inadequacy. The feelings that some how I failed you. I think back and I think of our life. The mistakes, the wrong turns. I think of when we were a family. Living in Scammon. Three kids and a mom and dad. Should we have stayed there? Would you have been happier? I think that yes you would have been.
I think of our move to Emporia, because that is where things went wrong for you. The teacher that picked on you. Broke your spirit. Your dad not there. Me busy with a new job and a new baby. You quietly pushed aside. Always quiet. The girls they flourished. New friends, new life. Always demanding my full attention. So much regret.
Then your dad calling me from Garden City. Danny is here watching TV, and there are tears coming down his face. He needs to come back with you. But, no. He must remain there with his dad and two sisters. Alone. Until I can get my transfer and bring his baby sister, and we can live once more as a family. How did you feel? I know you missed me. I thought it was best to start you in school on time. but maybe it wasn't best? I don't know.
Next, you and Lacie must live with grandma for 6 months while I train for my new promotion. There you are. More and more quiet. More and more pushed to the side. My new job, your baby sister. Everything taking precedence over you. But some how I knew you needed to be with me. I felt your loneliness, your wondering what to do. For awhile it was only you and me. There in New York. We were happy together. But all of the moving made you get behind in school. Unhappiness and no friends.
We moved to Oklahoma City. Your a teen ager now. Me, you, and all three girls are together. A family once more. I think you were happy. But not I, says your mother. I remember how you cried when I told you I would divorce your father. The only child that was unhappy with the decision. Lacie didn't know your dad and she could care less weather he lived with us or not. He's never really been a part of her life, so no change there. The older girls they knew your dad and knew it was best, if not for the family, for me.
So then I meet Mark. I see how you were suddenly put on the shelf again. Pushed aside. You begin to experiment with drugs. Your searching for you now. Some how you've lost your self.
You move out on your own, but honestly, you were never ok alone. How did you feel when you called me, walking in the rain, carrying all of your possessions in a little box. And your Mom says. You know I can’t bring you here. I hear your quiet voice say, I know. How that hunts me that I drove you to a homeless shelter that night. Was it wrong? I don't know. I thought at the time it was right. My righteousness. No drugs in MY house. Not near your baby sister. At least I have the comfort of knowing I bought you bus ticket the next morning and put you on a bus to your dad the next morning. But what did you think that night in the shelter? How did you feel about yourself? About your Mother? Had I turned my back on you? Regrets.
You join the Navy. Not once did your family fly to Japan to see you. Why didn't we pay for you to come home more? I don't know. What were we thinking? How were you feeling? Did you think we stopped loving you. You’d been banished to the Navy, for 4 long years. We only saw you a couple of time during those four years.
But at last you come home. I have you home again. No man in the house to interfere. But always your mother is restless. Unsatisfied. I must move to Chicago. I know that broke your heart. Always trying to catch a mother that won't stay still. I know my sister told me how unhappy you were about my move. My mom's moving to Chicago. That sucks, you told her.
Oh Danny. I am sorry I wasn't a better mother. That I put myself first so many times. I have so many regrets. So many mistakes. I doubt than I am finished making them. How I miss you. How I wish you had found your way in this life. I so wish you had had a happier life. I miss you so much. mom Close
Today, driving, haveing my conversation with you and with God I said a prayer. The sun was just coming up, it was so very bright and so very orange. I was thinking how orange was your favorite color and I got this idea or this message in my mind that God winked at me. The Sun was his eye and the intenity was unreal. It was so orange, a color I'd never noticed the Sun to be before, this particular shade of orange. I knew everything was going to be OK, because God winked to me, that in some fashion, my prayer would be answered, that everything would be OK. The sun slipped behind the horizon then, I couldn't see it for a few seconds, and when it did come back, it wasn't the same.
I think about you Danny, all of the time. When I'm talking with my friends, I often talk about you My Son. I think my friend Bill espeically is the one you come up in conversation to most often. He likes the same kind of music as you. I like it when I ride with him to go places because his music always reminds me of you. Bill will always say, your Son sounds like a neat guy, I really would have liked to have met him. I really would have liked that too.
There are so many things here on earth that I really would have liked for you to have done. But I know that God knows best and most likely you are saying the same thing about us here on earth. "I really will be glad to show you all these wonderful things here in heaven. I can hardly wait for you to get here."
It seems like a life time Son. But one day we will be there and I know in the mean time you are happy. I hope you know that even though we miss you alomost more than is bearable, that we too are Ok and everyone has found their way back to a tolerable life.
hmm../ Lacie Collins (Sister)
Hey Danny, I know its been a long time but I just thought I would stop by and tell you something kind of funny that Kammy did last night. I have a necklace with your pic on it hanging from her crib mobile and I guess something while we were sleeping she pulled and pulled on it until her mobile broke… she was holding your pic in her hand sleeping. I know she knows you. Close
OUR VETERAN / Judy Kachanes (best friend )
Danny, Happy Vetran's Day. If you were here we could go to a breakfast, dance or do something in honor of your time served when you were in the Navy. We were all so proud of you. I know you saw a lot and I do feel special that you shared things with me (about Iraq) that you may not have shared with anyone else. I'm forever silent, not to mention honored and proud to have a real soldier in my life, to be part of mine.
We miss you Danny. Yes, time heals, but it never leaves. You will always be our good kid and wel miss you till we see you again. It will be better. Tell us about it.
Love to you my young sailor, Anchors aweigh. Judy Close
Uncle soon, very soon. / Judy K. (Danny, Lacie, and Sue's best friend. )Read >>
Uncle soon, very soon. / Judy K. (Danny, Lacie, and Sue's best friend. )
Danny, By tomorrow at this time Kamdyn will likely have ventured, forever, outside her warm, secure, and loving temple of growth, better known as Lacie's precious womb. She will enter into an environment as warm, secure and ultra loving as she grew in. All of her admirers await! Stay close to your baby sis, as she brings the sweet dumpling aboard. I know you will. I can't help but think of how you would tend to her if you were here with us. How much she could physically look up to you. She will know everything about you Danny, feel you close and look up to you. Always, all of her life. You are so missed. Your Mom said, in a candle message, that she wondered if you knew that giving birth to you and Lacie was the highlight of her life. I know you knew this. At some point while you were growing up you saw this special woman as the one who loved you and Lacie more than anyone could love anyone or anything. You were blessed so richly while you were here, starting with the Mama that loved you more than anyone or anything, with a love that most only have read about. Now, even when you are not physically here, she knows you are close, stay close. She honors you with her love that will never, ever stop. You see what she does, you know what she feels and how she loves. Danny. We have a weight bet going on. Whomever comes the closest w/o going over on Kamdyn's newborn weight. As follows (your Mom has more on the list at a dollar a guess, winner takes all): Lacie 8 lb., Sue 7 lb., Stacey 8 lb. 3 oz., Clara 8 lb. 4 oz., Amanda (you knew her when you were little, I wish you could know here now) 8 lb. 6 oz. What do you think Danny? Whatever it is, every ounce will be precious, sweetness. Oh my gosh, she is sweet. I wish I could be there. You will be there, maybe not your physical presence, but this is too big for you to miss. You are Lacie's Angel. Oh sweet, sweet Danny. I miss you. I love you. Bye for now Uncle Danny. Pitter patter, pitter patter. Close
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY / Debbie Wengert Kevin's Mom Read >>
Memorial Day / Aunt Mickey
Hello to all.....I wanted to let you know that the Memorial Day service for Edgemond Cemetery was attended by several of your family members. As is the custom on Memorial Day, all the names of the men and women who served in the Armed Forces who now lay to rest in Edgemond are read aloud. So, Danny, your name was read along with many other members of our family who are there. We remember your military service on the USS Kittyhawk with pride. You are missed very much. Close
Danny, The candles are so nice but just when i'm starting to say what I want, I get the too long message. You are first and foremost in my thoughts in my messages but always right there, coupled with you is your Mom. I love her so much. Not the same as you do of course, your love is one that neither one of you could have with another, one son, one mom. One very special, brave, honorable and loving son who will forever stay close to his mom. And Mom, what a mom!? She loves you and Lacie more than anything and everything. Danny, she is doing alright because of what you and her continue to share. And because when you were here she was the very best mom any kid could have, her love for you is unconditional and she has never held it back, always unselfish, and you know, now more than ever, that she did without so you could have more, more opportunity, more fulfilled dreams. You were a success here because of the blood that came from your beautiful Mom. Because you were not only a part of her but she supported your dreams and hopes, shared them with you. I don't mean to go on, be preachy, you probably wish I would have lit a candle. Danny, I love you little Danny, I love that sweet, little man that I remember so well. And the grown man that shared Navy stories with me. You left without warning Danny, I always thought there would be time. You are on my mind and in my heart, holding hands with my girl. I felt the nudge and heard the whisper, it was so cool. Stay by my girl as you have. Bye for now friend of mine.
I still think about you every day. You used to be my first thought when I woke up and the last thought I had each night while falling asleep. And when I fell asleep you were there, too. I still think about you several times each day, but it’s not constant like it used to be. I think it depends on how busy I keep my mind. If I make the effort to keep my mind occupied, then I don’t think of you as often. At first thinking of you made me incredibly sad, and the feelings of helplessness was often overwhelming. It still makes me sad sometimes, but most of the times, I am able to think happy thought of you. Now, sometimes you come to me in my dreams, which I welcome. This past month, I’ve been in Mexico, on vacation. Not much to occupy my thoughts, so of course, you’ve been there in my mind a lot as of late. Mostly, happy. But tonight, actually, early in the morning, I’m here, and you are on my mind.
I’m thinking of you today, here while I’m at work. Thinking and looking at your pictures that I have lined up here around my office. I have twelve pictures of you in a row. End to end, next to each other. Pictures that I like, that I thought showed you happy, or showed your face really well. There’s the picture of you and Dusty with Grandma Florence. And one with you dancing with her. There’s a couple with you and I together. You with your family, your friends. I’m thinking of you mostly right now because tomorrow is a Holiday. Thinking back to past holidays. Thinking how things might be different if you were still here. I remember our last Christmas. I don’t remember our last thanksgiving. I don’t know if that was at Grandmas or Mickey’s. I know we had several at our house in Pittsburg. Guess I’m going home now. I love you Danny. And I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Love, Mom
Dear Father who art in Heaven... Please join our family on this Thanksgiving Day and bless each one as we sit down to pray as we remember those who have joined you above so dearly missed and deeply loved.
Please provide us strength on this Thanksgiving Day Bless us with memories of those faraway... Please grant patience to family and friends as we grieve and help us reach out to others who are bereaved.
We give thanks to you on this Thanksgiving Day.... For Your presence in our lives each and everyday. For Your comfort, guidance, and never ending love... And for taking care of our loved ones...in Heaven above.
As we light this candle on this Thanksgiving Day... And it glows in memory of those in Heaven today.... May their lights always shine down on us and give us light... And may we feel their presence along with yours tonight.
May the peace and tranquility of this Thanksgiving Day Be an everlasting light within each of us along the way... Lets bow our heads and give our Thanks to God above. For our blessings, whether on earth or in Heaven above... Amen
When I was driving to work this morning I was thinking, You know Danny isn't gone because he wanted to leave. Danny wanted to be right here with us. He didn't choose to leave us. If he could choose, I think he would have chosen to stay here with us. I think he would have chosen, to live his life here on earth with us his family. to spend time here on earth with his friends. To go to school, to buy a house some day, to marry a woman, and to have a child, to dream dreams, and to make plans for the future and to strive to reach those dreams. And we his family, would have been there with him, and I know I would have tried to help him reach those dreams. To help him make those things he wished for to come true.
I know there are people who have had loved ones leave this life because they chose to leave this world. To end their own life here on earth. And that would have been hard for me to understand or to live with. But that isn't what happened with you Danny. You didn't choose to leave. You wanted to stay here with us. To be with us, to live your life with us. That fact really brings comfort to me that what you wanted and what you would have chosen would have been to stay here with us.
I love you Danny, and I spend my days wondering about what might have been or what could have been. One day, I will join you. And now that you have left this world, I look forward to the day when I am chosen to leave this world. It's like an adventure that you are waiting for to happen. I will continue to enjoy my life here on earth, and enjoy my family, because there is MUCH joy in living life and I think it is a crime not to find joy and to be happy. In fact I think one of our greatest responsibilities here on earth and to our family, is to BE HAPPY. If we live our life in constant misery, and unhappiness, or we live our life as a constant victim, then I think we do ourselves and our families a great disservice.
Anyway, just some of my thoughts I wanted to share. Bye for now my MOST FAVORITE SON in the WHOLE WIDE HEAVENS ABOVE!! I will see you again. Love Mom.
The baby bumble bee / Sue Cabello (Danny's Mom )Read >>
The baby bumble bee / Sue Cabello (Danny's Mom )
My heart feels ready to explode! There you were. A light blue shirt. About 4 or 5 years old. Singing for me and your Grandma Irma.
While singing the song you had your little hands cupped together, like you had something inside.
I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee, Won't my mama be so proud of me. I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee, OUCH! It stung me!
Then you started to rub your hands together singing,
I'm squishing up my baby bumble bee, Won't my mama be so proud of me, I'm squishing up my baby bumble bee,
Then you opened your hands and looked down at them and said,
"OOOO, it's all over. "
After that you started to wipe your hands on the legs of your pants, saying,
I'm wiping off my baby bumble bee, won't my mama be so proud of me, I'm wiping off my baby bumble bee,
Then you looked up with a smile on your face, held your hands up and said,
Look! It's all gone!.
This was one of the first songs you learned. They taught it to you in Headstart. You loved to sing that song to us, and many many times you sang that song with your Grandma Irma.
This is a memory, I had forgotten, until you brought it to me last night. Thank you Danny. And I want you to know that yes I am proud of you. I always have been, and I always will be. Your the best most loving Son a Mom could have. Because even though your not here on this earth with me, you still find a way to be in my life, to be a part of my life, to make me feel your presence. You still find a way to share with me. Even though you no longer live here on earth, you are still an active part of my life. You are not gone. I feel you here. That is the only way I've found to cope. Never leave me MY Son. I love you, I love you. Mom
I went to the lake this morning to walk. It’s been months since I last walked at the lake. I think things are little more peaceful, now that the wedding is over with, I feel more relaxed and at peace. While I was walking, I noticed the beautiful fall colors. Lots of yellow and red leaves drifting about. There are a group of boys having a camp out this weekend. Probably, because it’s Columbus day weekend, and they have an extra day out of school and parents have an extra day from work. There are boys of all ages, it looks like. I saw young boys about 8 or 9, in uniforms. Maybe they are boy scouts. And there are also older boys, that are probably in high school. It was nice to look and see all of the tents put up around the grassy areas. There are big tents, little tents, blue tents, yellow tent, old army tents,. It’s really very festive there. As I was walking around the back side of the lake, I saw 4 deer walking down the gravel path straight towards me. It’s the first time I think I’ve ever been that close to a deer. They weren’t afraid of me at all. There was one bigger deer and 3 smaller ones, not baby deer, but just smaller than the other one. They stood and watched me as I walked closer, and then when I was almost there, they walked off slowing into the tall grass and then turned around and watched me some more. As I continued to walk around the Lake I saw the swans again. I had noticed them earlier, and I thought I saw three swans, and was wondering why there were three. I had always heard that swans mate for life, and I generally notice them in pairs. But as I got closer to the swans I saw that there are two couples. There were four swans. So in my mind I like to think that two of the swans are the swans from last year that I used to watch, but now they either have two friends that they share the lake with, or else it might be two of the babies I used to see. I don’t really think it’s two of the babies, because the babies have to go off and have their own life. I really think that there are two couples now sharing the lake. There are a few ducks still there, but nothing like I used to see. Those bothersome ducks honking loudly and bothering the swans. All in all it was a very peaceful walk around the lake today. In my mind, as I walked, I had a conversation with you my Son, much like I’m doing now. I just like to write down the conversations we have some times. Because I like to go back and read them sometimes. They give me happy memories. I love you Danny.
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